With the holiday season upon us, my own loss is a heavy burden on my mind. We have essentially lost both of our children. Our oldest son, Zac is physically here but we lost him mentally/cognitively over ten years ago. Combined with the loss of our only other child this year I got to thinking about all the other parents out there trying to wade through the grief of the holidays. I wrote a holiday letter to friends & family of grieving parents as away of self expression. After writing it, I thought it might help or work for you.
I was thinking about all of the other moms and dads out there who have lost everything. They, like us are tip toeing through life trying to make it each day when inside they feel like they want to die. I thought about how hard it is to tell family and friends that only want whats best for you in their eyes, that you just aren’t going to do it this year, or maybe never. Setting up the tree full of memory Christmas ornaments or sitting at a table and tell everyone what you are grateful for this Thanksgiving are just crushing thoughts. You don’t want to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve because that’s just another reminder of what a long year it’s been and that you have to endure another year without your child or children.
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You Don’t Let Go, You Move Forward
When you lose a child at two days old, or 40 years old you don’t just let go. You can’t let go of the the memories and move on like most people want you to. That child was part of you, and in our case every dream with our business and life included our children. We have no one to leave our pictures and memento’s too. We don’t have an heir, no one to carry on the work we do or the memories.
You don’t let go, you move forward taking every piece and memory into your future and whatever you do. You’re forever changed and for some family and friends they will never understand this and will try to get the old you back, but that you is gone forever.
In The Quiet of the Morning
Sitting here in the quiet of the morning with all of my rescue dogs snoring, and one of the cats by my head purring, I decided to write a letter. Not just to my friends and family but to all the friends and family of people that know someone going through the hell of losing their child. It is difficult for family and friend to comprehend the loss of a child if they haven’t lost one themselves. And for older parents like us, you can’t have that rainbow baby or start over. My hope is that my holiday letter to family & friends of grieving parents can help with the stress and confusion for family and friends. I hope that maybe it inspires parents to speak their mind and to grieve in their own way.
Not celebrating the holidays is OK, and as a friend or family member this doesn’t need to stress you out or upset you, you just have to let go of your expectations of what a grieving parent must and should go through. It is their journey and you need to let them have it their way. Encouraging is great, just don’t push someone to “get over it” or to “move on” because they won’t.
Holiday Letter To Family & Friends of Grieving Parents
Dear family and friends,
This year as the holidays fast approach, we have decided not to participate in the festivities. As you know, for us it has been a very hard and trying time. We not only lost our child this year, we lost all of our hopes and dreams and the future that we planned together. We lost our best friend, our child and the life we knew, and our future plans.
It’s not that we don’t love the holidays and all of you, we do, but that is what even makes it harder. The holidays won’t be the same for us ever. Not having our child here to open the presents and participate in all the festivities just breaks our hearts. For us even the process of shopping right now is more than we can handle. Everything we see reminds us of him and the grandchildren we will never have.
Please know that we will be thinking of all of you but don’t ask us to any gatherings, dinners or events. As parents, we need this time to be alone with our memories. Those memories are all we have left of our children. We are too old to have more children. Our emptiness of what will never be sadly flows heavy during this holiday season.
We are plagued with guilt of what we could have done different, what we might have or should have said. Our heads are filled with the images of our child and what our world was suppose to look like together.
We Ask You To Refrain Making These Comments:
- Things will get better in time, you will see
- It’s the holidays you have to cheer up
- Christmas is a magical time of year expect miracles
- Pray it will make you feel better
- Your child is in a better place, he’s with God
- Your sadness is really a bummer for everyone else
- I know your son or daughter wouldn’t want you to miss the holidays
- Just come over, it will cheer you up
- You can share our kids and their Christmas
- It’s New Years, a new year and a new beginning
These comments, while we know your intentions are good, are only hurtful and we don’t want to hear them.
Please understand that our grieving has nothing to with any of you. This is a very personal journey that we must go through on our own. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. We appreciate everything that you do for us, however, this is our time to be alone with our memories and our grief.
Don’t ignore us, we love to see and hear from you and would be lost without your calls and visits. Just leave out the Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Lingo at the front door.
We want you to enjoy your children, your family and your friends. Do not feel guilty that we are not involved, we don’t want to be. This is a choice we have made and would love for you to honor it.
Make Your Holidays Better
We do suggest that you forgo the big expensive holiday spending this year. Take the money you would have spent on us and give it to a non-profit. Do something fun together, make experiences, take a trip even if its just for a weekend. Hug your children a lot because one day the only regret you’ll have is that you didn’t hug them enough. Say the things they need to hear now before you don’t have the chance to say them. Find the Joy and the Gratitude in the little things. Instead of expensive gifts to each other find others in need. There are lots of grieving, homeless, or down on their luck people and you could make their holiday season special. Make a difference to someone in need.
We love you dearly and hope that you have a wonderful holiday season.
Warmly,
Us
Now It’s Your Turn
I know in some of the groups I belong to I hear over and over how much people are dreading this holiday season because they lost a child. Now it’s your turn, write that letter, it is therapeutic, even if you never send it, writing it will make you feel a little better. Writing a Holiday Letter to Family & Friends of Grieving Parents can help you release some pent up emotions. I recommend an article by Holly Bird, she doesn’t agree with forgoing the holidays all together but has some other great suggestions for getting through them. Click the link below to read more.
If You Have Living Children
Some of you have other children and have to do some sort of celebrating. It is not the fault of your other children and they may also be grieving but differently than you. Discuss with them how you want to celebrate and tell them how you feel.
Maybe this is the year you get your child or children a practical gift and teach them about charity. Help them see that others in world are suffering and worse off than you and your family. Activities could include a visit to a children’s hospital, orphanage, homeless shelter, dog pound or food bank and let your kids pick out presents for others. This will help move your family forward.
Wrap Up
Maybe the way we are handling our loss isn’t for everyone, but I hope that for those of you struggling that maybe it will inspire you to take charge of how you grieve. I know that through it all I have found Joy and Gratitude, it hasn’t been easy, but forcing yourself to conform to what others want or expect will cause you anxiety, resentment and anger.
In addition: If you need help, reach out to others that know what you feel. Find support, do not drown in you grief and sorrow. You will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel and move forward holding onto to your child’s memories.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s a good reminder and eye-opener that the holidays are a tough time of year for so many people. I think this is a wonderful idea to remind friends and family and request their acceptance and understanding.
Thank you. I am hoping it helps some people. It is hard people want to help, but it is very personal.
Many years ago I lost my dad tragically two weeks before Christmas. I didn’t want to celebrate at all. We did anyway and looking back I am glad we did. That was our decision and everyone has to make their own. I remember my aunt making the comment just a few days afterward, “Your dad won’t be here to walk you down the aisle when you get married”. She might as well just punched me in the face. People say things without thinking sometimes.
So true. And that’s why I need people to think about their decisions. What is right for some isn’t for others, I am glad you got to do that christmas and it left a great experience for you. that is what it is all about.
Such good things to know & consider when dealing with loss. Thank you for sharing your heart. Prayers for continued healing from your walk on this side of sorrow. May the love of Jesus embrace your every step.
Thank you. I just hope it helps a few others say what they need to say.
This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your experience so we can all learn and relate! Sharing so others may learn and feel connected too. Much love and hugs wrapped in prayers sent to you and your family! <3
Thank you. That’s why I did it. People don’t mean harm but sometimes it just feels that way for the person grieving. Thank you for reading and thank for the hugs and prayers.
Thank you Kimberly Coonis for sharing your broken heart so that we can help those we love in their loss.
Thanks lady..
I really enjoyed this post. Even though thankfully, we have never lost a child physically, we have a son who chooses not to be part of our family. I know it isn’t the same, yet I still feel like I grieve his loss and that of our granddaughter we will never truly know.
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