As I sit here numb from the night before, I don’t even want to get out bed. I want to pull the covers up and surround myself with the fuzzy kids and not think. How do you turn off your brain? Shutting off the fear inside your mind seems impossible. How do you stop the feeling of being broken?
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It is hard when your children, yes even adult children, are diagnosed with mental illness. If you’re like me you dive in and learn all that you can. You spend days feeling blessed because your child hasn’t tried to kill themselves or done some of the horrible things you read about. But then it happens, you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a foggy mental manic nightmare.
Mania or Manic
Your adult child goes full manic. Sends you a text that he doesn’t want to live in his brain anymore and wants to die. You know that he has over medicated himself to stop the pain of the previous days surgery. You know he has a problem with medication and wanting to feel numb. And as an adult the law protects his right to hold onto his medication.
You realize after the “I don’t want to live in my brain” text that he is spiraling out of control. That he has overdosed, is lost, confused and extremely depressed.
When his girlftiend is in tears sitting in the car and he isn’t functioning or listening. It is common for people with mental illness to over medicate because they want to calm the voices in their head, they want to feel nothing because all they normally feel is pain and confusion.
When we finally coax him into the house and try to have rational conversation, he can’t hear us because he is manic. He hears nothing but what is going on in his very confused brain. His only words are “you don’t understand” and “I can’t keep living in this brain”. Followed by ” I just want to die”, ” I just want to kill myself”. “Life would be so much better without me”. He jumps up and slams his head into the brick wall, ” do you see how I don’t f–king care, I want to die”.
Nothing Works
We try to consul him and tell him how important he is to you but that only turns into more anger. He stands, fist clinched. “Move out of my way or I will kill you too”, he says!. “All I want to do is kill everyone of you and stop all of the pain”. “This isn’t a life”. He then gets ugly with his fiancee, trying to hurt her emotionally too because he is feeling so much pain. He doesn’t want to feel anymore, but wants everyone to hurt with him.
The swelling in his face is more pronounced from surgery. He expected the pain medication to stop the pain. It never does completely but he doesn’t get that. The only thing it did to him was to make the mental pain worse.
He gets more enraged. “Get out of my f–king way”. I will kill you and everyone else, then myself”.
I Call The Police
After I call the police, he takes off from the house on foot. His dad tries to follow but he has gone into full speed run. An ambulance passes by and we can see the police spot lights looking for him off in the distance.
The ambulance comes by again and we know he is in the back, safe for now. A nice police officer comes to give us an update. He surrendered peacefully and was taken to the psych ward at the emergency hospital where today he lies there waiting to find out what the next steps are.
At The Hospital
His fiancee and I go to the hospital, he texted me some harsh words before I get there and then he refuses to see me. He did see his girlfriend for a minute and then did finally agree to see me. He told me he was angry I called the police. I explained to him that I will never let him make threats about hurting himself, I told him I loved him more that the anything. I hugged and kissed him and said good bye.
The long quiet drive home was deafening in my head. Everything irritated me. Why did this happen to my child? He has never lacked for anything. Why can’t he get passed this feeling of hopelessness and anger?
The Next Day
Now it’s morning, he is still at the hospital and because he is an adult they won’t even give us information. We don’t know how last night went and will have to rely on whatever he tells us afterwards. We don’t know if he will come home or be transferred.
For me now, just getting out of bed seems hard. But I did. Fed the critters, gave them love but have now crawled back under the covers where I might just stay till Zac has to get up.
When Your Child Hates You
When your child wants to die or hurt them self, hates you so much for always being there, as a parent part of your heart just dies. You have to wonder what you did wrong even when you know that most mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain and not our fault, you still feel guilty.
We are now on day two of him being gone. They told us they would only hold him 24 hours unless they felt he was a threat to himself. Again, he is not talking and the hospital will not give me information. We just found out that they haven’t given him a toothbrush or salt water to gargle with for his mouth. He had a mental break down, he is not a criminal? His fiancee is on the way to take him some, we only hope they will let him use them. Last thing he needs is an infection. Ugh. This is so hard.
Day 5 and Still at the Hospital
This has been a very long five days, but we are seeing progress. The first three days he just wanted to come home, hated everything. By Day four he was realizing that they were helping him. He said he felt happy for the first time in a long time today. His head felt clear.
We will keep you posted on where this journey is taking us. For now he is safe and more than anything I think he is finally getting the help he needs. I want my son back, I want him to have a wonderful like. I am praying that this is the beginning of what has been a five year downward spiral.
I know the feeling all too well. Had to call on my oldest last year, being manic, delusional, bipolar and on meth was quite scarey for myself and my mom. I was not afraid he would hurt me or himself but it was still scary. Once he got clean he was more like the young man that used to be there. He will always have his episodes but I can only hope they will get better. I hope yours will finally be able to get the help he needs. It is hard to do, but as a parent you did the right thing.
Thanks Penny, I know you have been there too! It is not a fun place to be and so hard when it happens to our sweet kids. If we could just take the pain for them. sometimes the world is just not very fair.
Kim, you are an amazing person and don’t feel you have done anything wrong. Hold him right, hold him accountable, and love him and yourself unconditionally!
Thank you Linda, and thanks for chatting this morning. I really can’t tell you how much it means to me!
Kim, sending your whole family positive thoughts and prayers. The one thing I know is he doesn’t hate anyone but himself. You are a great mom and deep inside he knows that..hopefully he can get some professional help to help heal his brain! ❤👼
Holly this is the first I have opened my computer. The doctors first misdiagnosed my child, and then killed him. The drugs they had him on made him a zombie and when he had that final seizure that ended his life it was no fault of his own. We sadly learned 18 days after he passed that he a infection. One that he had for several years. It had gone to his brain and caused these feelings he was having. The doctors would not listen to me. Just a week before he threatened suicide I told his doctor something else was wrong, he was always sick. She wouldn’t listen and just prescribed more drugs. That day we decided to change doctors. Sadly we never got that chance. I appreciate your kind words and I hope to come out of this horrible fog I am in right now. Hugs. and thank you.
Kim, I just read your blog. I am so sorry about what happened to your son and his death. I am here to tell you that there are SO many reasons why people develop suicidal ideation as well has having suicide and killing themselves. I feel that most of it is truly unknown although it is felt that advances have been made. I know what it is like to fight those feelings as well as attempts. My youngest brother killed himself as an adult man that was a wonderful man, brother, father, on, and husband. He/We never knew what actually hit his brain and caused it.
I know that I have suffered from multiple medical conditions all of my life, as well as knowing that abuse issues in my past affected me as well. Being abused for being ill is also something that happens very often as well.
I do know what it is like to have adult children HATE me for always being there for them as well, even when they are sick unto death with serious illness and disability.
My mother always told me before she died that usually people that act that way are really unhappy with themselves or their lives. I know that does not really take awake the the wounding on ones heart and the utterly bereft feelings that it leaves a person with. I deal with it on a daily basis. It can be a part of the joy and the defeat that go with our being mothers.
My oldest brother was more than a decade older than I was. He beat one brother every day and he sexually molested me. Another brother of mine always beat me as well. The oldest brother developed a Schizophrenic Disorder when he was in high school. Decades later, he attempted to assault me as an adult woman. That is when I found out about the abuse he had done to me as a young child. It explained so much that had transpired in my lifetime. The fact that I had learned how to love people that abused me from the time that I was tiny…It gave me a very caring and compassionate heart and soul. It also set me up for other people abusing me as well. I believe that is where my own feelings of depression that I have had to fight all of my life came from.
My brother died this past year, I now know that his mind and soul and body are at rest, that he can begin his journey towards understanding what happened to him, just as our youngest brother has done as well.
It is terribly unfair for people to have their health mismanaged, only to have detrimental and/or deadly events take place. I, and other loved ones have often experienced this. I have been made to take medications that am allergic to, only to end up in the hospital, fighting for my existence, only to have those doctors “fire” me as a patient for becoming so ill from their mistakes where I am concerned.
Life can truly be a battle.
Kim, hang in there and I will continue to pray for you as your keep learning how to cope with what has happened to your son and in your life.
I am a woman that you already know. Here I will not reveal who I am, simply know that I love you and I know how much you loved your son. In his place of healing I believe that he knows and understands that you love him and he loves and appreciates you More likely he is in a place where he is learning more fully just how much you love and have loved him..
It is normal, even though you are feeling anything but, to experience brain fogs, distraction, etc. etc. Please be patient with yourself, you are WORTH it, allow yourself to experience the many stages of grieving. It is NOT a linear journey, it is one in which you will continue to experience stages for your entire life. It would not be possible to do so. There are too many memories that can resurface with countless reference points.
It is not your fault or your son’s fault that this happened, it happened due to the infection. Our brains are strong and yet at the same time so fragile.I believe that most people who commit suicide are NOT in the right minds, they are not truly responsible for their actions. I do not like it when people say, “It was not REALLY a suicide attempt, it was just an act to get attention”. These are warnings that someone IS suffering. They are CRIES for HELP, just as so many behaviors are that may seem criminal to society. Acting out is an indicator that someone may be suffering in many ways and they are subconsciously behaving i ways that are not safe or wise for their safety and well-being. This communication may seem like TMI. I felt that perhaps some of the things that I am sharing could lend your some more information that could lend support.
I know how hard it is to be a mother and not be able to save a child from events beyond my control. It is agony to experience it and to have a child shut us out. The hardest part often, is forgiving ourselves of things that we are not guilty of. It will be another entire step and journey to work on forgiving the medical people who would not listen to you. I know that I have to pray and work on those things every day, and perhaps I will continue to have to work on it until my own end of days.
KIm I believe in you, please just take it a moment at a time and seek counseling of some kind for yourself, no matter who that trusted source may be,, private and/or professional.
Take care, dear friend.
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I am sorry for your past and hope that you too are finding peace.
Thank you. More and more parents are faced with adult children and the threat of suicide it is very difficult.
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